Alex walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
"I found a young girl tied to the railway tracks last night, so I untied her, and carried her back to my place, and do you know, we had the best sex ever"
Originally posted by cynik
Redneck in America talking to his mate,
"I found a young girl tied to the railway tracks last night, so I untied her, and carried her back to my place, and do you know, we had the best sex ever"
"Really Jed! Was she a pretty girl"?
"Dunno Jake, I never found the head"
hahaha, thats basically a cut down version of one i know
In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"
In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child. "Yes, Susan?"
"The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."
"Excellent," said Sister Mary, "and you, Charlotte?"
"The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."
"Very good, Charlotte," said the Sister, as she noticed Billy's hand still waving in desperation."
"OK, Billy, what do you think?"
"It's the feet that go first, Sister, the feet."
"That's a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?"
Billy answered, "Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"
__ MySpace | Soundcloud | Drumnbass.be | Facebook "It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring." Carl Sagan
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple.
One waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
__ MySpace | Soundcloud | Drumnbass.be | Facebook "It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring." Carl Sagan
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
Chuck Norris was once put on the wrapper for a toilet paper company. The company field tested it but it didn't work because Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from nobody.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them.
Originally posted by cynik
do we have a jokes thread?
anyway, laughed hard at this one:
Alex walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"
Kinky bitch.
A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive."
Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"
Wiped the smug look off her face.
I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the fuck happened on the ninth of November, anyway?
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"
His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"
"No, I couldn't find her head."
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"
The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."
When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone. (P.S. I'm not a racist! - Ciaran)
New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15
Tub of Vaseline: £3
XL Box of Tissues: £2
The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless
So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...
Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.14159265 dead.
Two men walking through a graveyard walking their dogs and one man turns to the other and says, "Morning!"
The other man replies "No, just walking the dog."
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
To the theme of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air:
South-east England born and raised
On reality TV spending most of my days
Bein' racist, whoring out and relaxin' all cool
And being disgusting, Fuck the gene pool
When a couple of cells
Who were up to no good
Startin making cancer in my vaginalhood
I got one little lump and my doctors got scared
They said 'we are putting you on chemo, say goodbye to your hair!'
(you'll only understand if you've heard the theme tune - Ciaran)
Paedophiles are fucking immature arseholes.
What does a bible and a penis have in common ?
Both get shoved down your throat by a Priest
South-east England born and raised
On reality TV spending most of my days
Bein' racist, whoring out and relaxin' all cool
And being disgusting, Fuck the gene pool
When a couple of cells
Who were up to no good
Startin making cancer in my vaginalhood
I got one little lump and my doctors got scared
They said 'we are putting you on chemo, say goodbye to your hair!'
(you'll only understand if you've heard the theme tune - Ciaran)
one to remember
